I am beginning this blog to share about a million thoughts that go through my head on any given day, usually about the church and being a disciple. Not only will it alleviate some of the pressure of my husband to hear my unedited thoughts but also I keep reading blogs that say exactly what I'm thinking and it's starting to irritate me. It's kind of like when someone figures out the Mad Gab phrase before you do. If you can believe it, I have a lot of things I want to share but for a long time I've kept pretty silent. Silent because God had some humbling to do in me and because I'm finding I have a pretty "liberal" faith which is cause for persecution in the American church. Please do not misunderstand my last comment. It is not meant to offend, we are all part of the same way (I think) and we are all journeying together no matter what opinions we hold. Plus if you read my blog you will find that I am a young disciple, trying to weed out the good from the bad and keep my eyes on the feet of Jesus right in front of me. With all the different paths we have today, it can sometimes be hard to recognize his heels.
I want to begin with a confession. Confession is probably one of my better qualities. I will always do my best to swallow my pride, show my embarrassment, and confess my errors. Just ask my husband. I have given a number of confessions to him after disagreements we've had. Albeit, they are usually a week later....I didn't say I was quick to confess. I think one of the reasons I believe strongly in confession is because it says in 1 John 1:9, "If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." This is not the only verse either that talks about confession, there are many, many, many and I think that's a clue that it is important to God. I so badly want to purified too. The only way I can bear the image of a creator so genuine is to remind him that he is the potter and I am the clay. So I confess.
Up until recently I was struggling with prayer. I was so frustrated because I wasn't sure what to pray for. I'd pray for bills to get paid, for me to hold my tongue (which isn't a bad prayer, trust me), to get days off with my husband, and just in general very personal things. There was no compassion, no conviction, no hope, no joy, just words. I'm not sure what caused a shift in my heart and conversations with God, it was probably a number of things but I became inspired to plead with the Almighty for "kingdom eyes." I actually have been praying that prayer off and on since I'd been in Ireland. God has not been quick to answer. However, the way he did was a blow to me. Here comes the confession part of my confession. I really did not think that following Christ meant I had to obey and be a servant of the kingdom. One of my pet peeves is when Christians say they're Christians but get caught up in the minutia of church politics alone and pray for their own prosperity. Then I started seeing myself in my judgement mirror and just got frustrated. Now, here's a thought that I'm going to leave myself with. We cannot truly live out the kingdom life unless we are willing to dig into the word, pray with humility and joy, and listen to other disciples who are making more sense of God than we are. I know that I am talking simple truths and it seems elementary right now but if you will use this as a platform to understand the journey I am documenting then you may begin to see what God is saying and doing in me and possibly through me.
