Lent is meant to be a time of prayer, fasting, abstinence, and confession, not just for giving up pop or Facebook. I never knew that. I've actually never celebrated Lent because I didn't get it. However, I am friends with my pastor on Facebook and he posts daily about Lent, or really whatever he's teaching about Sunday. So when he posted a link about 40 Ideas for Lent I was quick to read it. The author is Rachel Held Evans in case you want to Google it. She lists questions, books, prayers and disciplines. Two of the questions hit home for me because of the type of year it has been.
I have written a little bit about this past year but in order to unpack how God has created a passion for Lent in me I'd like to share some of the discouragements and life-changers that have occured. While I was in Ireland and then during our engagement I had a number of people who were close to Philip take either him or myself aside and express concern about the way I joked with Philip. They claimed it could be hurtful and disrespectful. If they had known my upbringing or my past, they may have had more grace or discernment concerning these conversations. Looking back I understand it was probably done out of love for Philip but all that it spoke to me was, "You're not good enough for Philip. Treat him right or you're out." I struggled with that because I am not a people pleaser but I loved Philip deeply and I knew he loved these people so I felt the need to prove myself to them even though I thought they understood me already. The thing is, they may have been right but I wasn't prepared to change at that time.
If you know anything about weddings, you know that everyone has an opinion and you can't make everyone happy. However, you should probably try because as much as we think it is "our" special day it is special to the people who have loved, supported and cared for us. I will sadly admit that I was very selfish and looking back I may have done some things differently. Our day was perfect but I don't know if I considered everyone involved. Either way, in the midst of it I was entirely overwhelmed. I had no idea who to walk me down the aisle (my parents are divorced) and I kept going back and forth about it, hurting some people in the process and having others hurt me. It was a hard decision but ultimately I feel I made the right one for myself.
When I started my new job I was not an instant hit. There were a couple of people who wanted my job and others who just didn't like me. Specifically one of these people was outwardly mean to me for their own anger and bitterness. I can't say that I didn't understand, I have been there before. Thankfully God has redeemed some of the hardships of that situation.
In light of all these things I felt that Lent was the perfect opportunity to release myself and others from the anger, frustrations, and hurts of this past year. So I gave up all of my television shows. Although that seems pretty cliche it isn't for me. Philip and I love television and have our shows. If I open at work, I get home just in time to watch them and if I close I Hulu them the next morning. This leaves no quiet time for me with the Lord. I desire to be more consistent in my relationship with God because life changes but his Word doesn't and we need that more than we know, or at least more than I know. In order to be intentional about my forgiveness of others I have dedicated each of the five weeks of Lent to five of the people who in particular I have struggled with this year.
God has been good to respond even in week one. He has given me His eyes and heart to see more clearly how I can love in the midst of pain. I have been living off of Luke 6: 27-36 where Jesus talks about loving our enemies. It isn't easy and some people aren't necessarily our enemies but they need the grace that we all need. God has begun healing the wounds of this past year and reminding me of the truth about Him AND me.
The two questions that Rachel Held Evans posted that put this process into motion were "When I wake up on Resurrection Sunday morning, how will I be different" and "Is there anyone in my life from whom I need to ask forgiveness or pursue reconciliation?" On Resurrection Sunday I want to wake up feeling freed from the anger that I allowed to pursue me this last year and run, chains free, through fields of forgiveness because He died to forgive me.
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