I quit my job about a month ago. My last day was on a Thursday and by time Tuesday hit, after it had only felt like a long weekend off I started panicking. I wasn't too sure what kind of stupid thing I had gotten Philip and I into. Did I think I was married to Prince William who could support us on his salary and I could just walk around gracing people with my presence and having tea on the veranda? Or was this a huge leap of faith that would propel me into a much deeper trust in God?
I have worked since I was young and ever since then I have been obsessed with payday. Not the candy bar, I am more of a Snickers or Twix gal and that sounds really good right now....anyways! But seriously I have always been obsessed with the moment that check hits my bank account and the sumation for a moment makes me feel rich. I have some nights stayed awake long enough to see it happen right after or woken up early, all sleepy eyed, only to make sure it was there. Security. I needed to know I was taking care of things and paying bills and maybe having enough for a night out with friends. I always turned down fun trips or adventures because I didn't have enough of it. If I did have enough left after life sucked me dry then I burnt it. I am not really sure what I bought though. Probably a lot of food because I truly live for a juicy burger and a Coke. Anytime a sorry situation happened with my security, my hard work, I thought maybe God was upset with me. "Faithful with little, faithful with much." I must not have been faithful. He doesn't trust me even with the tiniest amount that I have. It was constantly this back and forth game between God and I. He loves me on Fridays and hates me on Mondays when the well is bone dry. I would pray and hope that something big would happen for me financially, like I would have an unknown aunt die and leave me all of her fortunes. What would I have done with that though? Probably pay for school without students loans but then I wouldn't have anything else left and I would be back wondering if God would bless me again.
Tuesday comes and I am silent before God. I have no idea what to do with my day so I pray. I read the Word and I pray. And all of a sudden I am excited about the peace that has come over me and the opportunity to stay home and be in the still of the Lord. Philip comes home and I am full of joy. I have made the budget for a year-and-a-half and put our work schedules and paydays in the planner but I am not obsessed with looking at it and waiting for it. I just know that I have made a plan and God will take care of us. Each day I wake up excited about the possibilities of spending many moments in books and the Word and being in the presence of a God who loves me. He has unlocked dreams for me and purpose and I am feeling useful even without a set paycheck. I am learning to live one day at-a-time.
Not everyone figures out or knows how to do that. We are all in a mad rush to prepare for the next moment or be the person we want to be then. I still do that, sure, but I have been catching myself in it and realizing that God is in control and I can trust whatever plan he has. The days where I feel like I wasn't fully alive in him, I forgive those days. Each day I hope that tomorrow I will see His mercies and live in them fresh, anew. Yesterday we forgive, today we live, and tomorrow we hope. We hope for that which is unseen. We hope to be responsible people with both our hearts and our pockets and we accept that sometimes we just need grace to get us through. I've been clinging to what Jesus told Satan, "Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." God is my one day at-a-time routine.
Every day I wake up and realize I can only live fully by engaging in relationship with him. All my plans and hopes, they are in His hands. Sometimes I worry that if I forget about a desire I have that I won't do it or remember I had it. But God holds onto those things and surprises us with them in the perfect moment. I often tell friends and family that I know we're not ready to start a family but I so badly want to be there that I sit around and dwell on it. I cannot rush the day or slow it down. All I can do is be present to it, be present to who God is. I've been reading a book my mother-in-law sent me called "One Thousand Gifts." It's phenomenal if you love to read or even just need grace. That book has been a God moment for me, teaching me how to thank God in all moments. My freedom from living one step ahead of myself, trusting in security, has made me more generous and a better friend. I've stopped to be able to see the people around me who are hurting and in dark, scary places. God has done some open heart surgery on me since I am present to him in the now. I'm not saying that we should all just quit our jobs and spend our time reading but if your life doesn't allow you moments in the present then you probably need to re-evaluate your situation. God should be the first thing we think about in the morning and the last thought before we fall asleep. As my friend Celia would say, "He is a blessing to us." He really is the number one thing we should be thankful for. I hope that you can "live not only by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God."
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