Today is the first day I have had off in awhile now that I am full fledged back in the American workforce. I am working both at Pottery Barn and Banana Republic now to make sure we can pay the bills before my husband becomes the bigshot we know he can be (although he'd probably hate me saying that, he's so humble and kind). Funny thing is I got a sale flyer from Banana the other day about trying to help America create jobs and all I want to do is give both of mine away. Look I created two and didn't spend a dime America! Anyways this is just meant to be a fun and rambling blog. I actually just woke up from a nap, after a coma of watching Bethenny Ever After, and felt inspired to be a part of something I love. To be honest, outside of my marriage and closest friendships, this blog is one of the greatest loves in my life right now. I love writing. I always have and it makes me feel other-worldly. I don't know if I am the best at it. Grammatically, I could probably use some help but that's why I have Philip. The man's a champ with "knowing-it-all" because the only reason he ever stayed in school and excelled was because it gave him a little bit of competition. Anyways, I just love writing. I think since I was a child I have dreamt of being an author. I have always had a knack for communication. One of my bosses actually told me it was an overused skill. Ooops. For those two weeks of unemployment I felt fully Nancy. I pursued every word and thought that came in my head. Now I am lucky if I have a single day off. And my favorite skill is shriveling. So here's a very open journal for my own sanity and maybe your own giggles.
I have always felt and believed that I have been created for greatness. I think God has given me giftings and talents that he wants to use for his own purposes. I also believe that fear has stood in the way of much of that. I will not get into what those fears are because I think only a therapist should have to witness the spirals of thought that occur on a regular basis about life for me. But I truly have always felt that I am not meant to have a mediocre life. My husband has been a big part of that for me. Watching him pursue what he loves the most and to have such self-discipline is like living with Erin Brokovich. Everyday he goes out to the course and he fights to be what he knows he is capable of being. Sometimes I think I miss the fight. I sit by and allow myself to be halfway and think that "someday" I will be all in. But the thing for me is that God gives to me in doses. I don't really know what I was entirely created for yet, except to be in relationship with God (shoutout to Lindsey Settle). So I take what God gives me one day at a time. Today is one of those days where I feel like I have little going anywhere. And that's okay because my new motto is "Yesterday we forgive, today we live and tomorrow we hope." Yet not even a month ago I was living like I felt I always should have, relaxed and pursuing God and life. Today I refused to do anything of quality because all I wanted was to sit away from the hustle of getting stuff done and re-evaluate why I am back in this race. Philip and I are so close to being where we've both prayed to be and we are so anxious we're wetting ourselves but when we're so close, why can we not just sit and slowly take in this new, ever-present reality? I know that there is no job that can fulfill me, that God literally has to blow the smoke of his Spirit in every crevice of me for fullfillment to happen. However, I also know that God did not create me for retail. He created me for serious relationships and for reconciliation. I have no idea how that will manifest itself in my being great but I know that God's ways are higher than mine. Let me also make a note that greatness, God-given greatness and purpose, does not mean to me that I will be world famous and have everyone know me. It means to me that God has literally touched every part of my life and I am sold out on being fully me, fully alive in Him. That could mean I am great in being a housewife someday and supporting my husband's career. That could mean I am great in praying people through difficult times in their lives. Whatever it is, it is defined by God. The people I admire the most are defined by how great God has been in their lives, not by the things they have accomplished or done. I was reading an article about Meryl Streep who is doing some amazing things about women's history, alongside other amazing women. I started wondering how people become so enthralled with specific things in their lives that it is literally their greatest passion. Then I wondered what mine might be. Mine is literally the Lord. Because whether or not I have seemed, been, or felt the most spiritual in many moments of my life, I know my life has been shaped by God. In the quietest and sometimes the loudest moments I have always recognized the hand of God pulling and prodding me along. I look at my life and all I recognize is Him. So maybe I am already in greatness and I am just too human to see it but I have to trust that even in one month away of where I want to be, God has already arrived and is just waiting, pen and paper in hand, ready for me to write notes, encouragements, and stories. It is an honor to walk with God.
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